Thon Maker has the best name in the league. It’s regal. Look how good it looks on a page. Read it out loud. Listen to how nice the words are in the air. Thon Maker sounds like 2074, like you can’t say it without a horns section, like a choir of angels dressed in cashmere onesies singing the opening verse of “SpottieOttieDopaliscious.”
I sincerely don’t even want to know what Thon means, if it means anything. I want to make up my own meanings for it. I want it to be the most intense kind of happiness. If supreme is highest in rank or authority, I want Thon to be something beyond that. I want it heavenly. I want it to replace lit. I want it to be the word people use when they usually just say, “I don’t know, I’m having a hard time describing it.”
So, let’s say you’re trying to explain to your friends how much it means to you that Domino’s has changed it’s Large 3 Topping Carryout deal to only cost $7.99 throughout the entire week, not just Monday through Thursday. Large 3 Topping pizzas for that price point on the weekends, made with the same high quality ingredients we’ve come to expect from an elite national pizza chain like Domino’s. It’s essentially unheard of. So you’re talking to your friends, telling them about it, and you say, “Look…I just, you know…the thing is, the last couple months have really been hard. And to know that this happened, the sun feels so warm right now. I don’t know, I guess it’s just Thon.”
His official sophomore mixtape was the first high school highlight mixtape since John Wall’s that made me go, “Wait a second. Hold on. I don’t understand. What do you mean this person exists?” He looked like a taller version of Durant, and that description of a basketball player seemed, at the time, as realistic as Dune. It did not make any sense at all. I just kept watching the video over and over. His arms are like those poles people in retail stores use to grab shirts from high places.
If Maker isn’t successful I won’t know what to do with myself. His name should have sealed his fate. That’s a superstar handle, bathed in big, bright Dirk Diggler lights. You say that name and dogs start barking, birds leave trees, there’s a bunch of steam everywhere, all those Dinozords assemble.