Chandler Parsons has the look of a guy who found a sale at an Express store and isn’t telling any of his friends about it because he’s planning on going back later in the week to buy more stuff. He likes their Heathered Flap Pocket Suit Vest, available now for $79.90 at Express.com. It dresses up an otherwise casual look, the five buttons coming together to say Oh, hi there. How are you? Have you had an opportunity to see the diamond encrusted tiger sculls on the back pockets of these jeans?
He says that loafers are legit. He likes that word, uses it often, legit, considers socks a mere suggestion. He appears in what is probably the greatest photograph of the last half decade. They’ve come a long way, baby, from the club to the outs. Cuban looks strange in sleeveless shirts. He has no jumper. I’m not a Mavericks fan but these jerseys are beautiful.
Parsons is too pretty to trust. He probably calls rims shoes. There are reports of him at CBD Provisions in Dallas stopping time after he picked up a napkin a woman had dropped and smiled while handing it back to her. She was having the Berkshire Pig Head Carnitas. It’s sort of what they’re known for.
In 2013 he was the face of Buffalo David Bitton. The ad campaign’s pictures looked a lot like every other underwear ad you’ve ever seen. A man on a beach in jeans. A girl with wet hair next to him. Both pretending sand is comfortable. Sand sucks. Bottom five granular substance.
I wish I had hair like Chandler Parsons and looked like Chandler Parsons. I’m happy with where I’m from, but if I wasn’t I’d wish I was from Memphis. A large part of me thinks the Grindhouse will eat him alive. What song will they play while he’s bringing the ball up? Radioactive? On a Night Like This? Kiss Me Thru the Phone? I’ve been giving a lot of thought to whether or not he knows how to C-walk and he probably does.